2020 was a year like no other. 2021 has started in a similar ilk although depending on where you’re at with pregnancy/babies or small children your viewpoint on this might well be very different. We have all faced our own battles over the past 10 months and as the saying goes: we’re all in the same storm, but in different boats. But how has Covid-19 impacted our most vulnerable members of society, including our new babies and their parents?
Almost 200,000 babies were born between March - July 2020, during the most restrictive part of the UK’s national lockdown. The Parent Infant Foundation’s report “Babies in Lockdown” (https://parentinfantfoundation.org.uk/our-work/campaigning/babies-in-lockdown/) highlights the stark reality for so many new and first-time parents and babies during this time. The report lays out a clear path to recovery and improvement for services designed to support the most vulnerable and least heard members of our society.
Despite not having the same start as many babies of our time some would argue they have had everything they need at home. Of course, this depends greatly on “home” and who is there, how safe it was during lockdown and how well-supported mum felt. But the reality of being stuck at home, in bubbles, has perhaps given these babies just the start they need: uninterrupted time with mummy and daddy. No rushing out for appointments, baby classes or pressured meets. Just day to night blurring of time and safety.
DW Winnicott (1953) coined the term “Good enough mothering”. He spoke of mothers (and fathers) not trying to be perfect parents, but just being good enough. That it is ok and perfectly normal to have feelings other than loving ones towards our babies and children. That allowing our babies to cry or call for our help is a good thing: they can begin to realise their own discomfort and seek help, rather than having every need met instantly before they even realise it is a need. This is not an argument for any type of “crying-it-out” or behaviour training, just a reassurance that not having a perfectly content and quietly engaged baby 24/7 is normal and actually a good thing! The concept of “good enough mothering” is perhaps a useful thing to know during this time, while we try to be all things to all members of our family.
This year I have been in the privileged position of becoming an auntie to a beautiful niece. Two of my closest friends have given birth to beautiful babies and my sister’s youngest has just turned one. As difficult as it has been for me to be a doting auntie without being able to cuddle baby (or mummy), and without being allowed to pop round and offer support in way of meals, hoovering or just general chat, it has, without doubt, been harder for my wonderful friends for whom this year has brought sadness and despair, alongside it being one of the happiest times of their lives.
These two feelings when hand in hand can be confusing to a new parent, whose hormones are already flying high. Add into the mix difficult emotions around the birth of their child and perhaps missed opportunities for their partner to be involved in the pregnancy and it’s no surprise that almost 7 out of 10 new parents found their ability to cope with their baby had been impacted as a result of COVID-19. (https://parentinfantfoundation.org.uk/our-work/campaigning/babies-in-lockdown/) If you have experienced any part of this I write this blog with you in mind. To hold you and offer you the knowledge that you are not alone. All your feelings are heard and are valid.
There is no doubt that 2020 was a difficult year to become a parent. From anecdotally understaffed hospitals, to over-stretched midwives and health visitors, birthing without partners and missed newborn checks, these are just some of the things thrown at new parents this year. 87% of parents felt more anxious as a result of covid and the concern they had over its impact on their family. The Babies in Lockdown report found that 87% of parents felt more anxious as a result of covid and the concern they had over its impact on their family.
If you have been affected by any of this or would just like to talk to someone about your experiences there are links at the end of this article. Please reach out and talk to someone. You do not have to manage this alone. Your baby is safest being with you and you need to take care of yourself first (remember the airplane oxygen masks analogy? Put your own mask on first before helping anyone else with theirs. You cannot look after others if you yourself are without basic needs.)
The wonderfully good news is that despite the initial horror of some stories from this year, our babies are being born into loving families, who, despite lack of support in some areas, have all their baby needs right at home. And no, I’m not talking about the right crib, or pump or teat or toy… I am talking about you. Although it might have felt impossible at times, for some the lockdown meant that as well as the primary carer being at home, there may have been a second parent also at home, albeit working, but a second pair of hands nonetheless. Baby’s primary carers, loving parents and first teachers. This “extra” time together for some has created stronger parental bonds and secure attachments with both parents.
From birth your baby is watching you and learning from you, although it might not seem this way initially. Babies are hard-wired for relationships and draw to faces above all other shapes. They seek out faces and coo to interact with us (https://parentinfantfoundation.org.uk/why-we-do-it/building-babies-brains/) . Everytime you hold baby and rock him or her to sleep they internalise your safety, your calm voice singing to them and your physical presence as safe and comforting. As they grow this will be part of their internal dialogue when looking for safety and love in future friends and partners. As you sing to them they watch your mouth move, which not only stimulates learning about communication but also develops their feelings of safety and awareness of a social / emotional world. If you would like some inspiration or songs to sing along to you can find lots on ur IG / FB pages and via our website: www.littlehartsmusic.com/store
(benefits of watching mouth move, feeling safe and engaging: social / emotional development. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3800080/
Your baby will come to no harm having been “cooped up” inside with only you and your partner for the first few weeks or months of their lives. In fact when thinking about the fourth trimester (https://www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/emotional-and-social-development/what-fourth-trimester) it’s a calmer place for babies to be at home with very few (if any) visitors, and the quiet and safe regularity of his parents. Although it probably feels harder for you and you might have feelings of having missed out of baby groups, meeting friends and time away from work exploring new things, hopefully you have found space to learn about your baby together and chance to develop skills in the safety of your home. Your natural response to your baby’s cues: sucking and calling for example will be honed specifically to meet your baby’s needs. This sensitive response is important to enable baby to develop a secure attachment to you.
And, from my viewpoint of outsider, aunty, friend, as well as supporter and ambassador for infant and maternal mental health I am amazed at the resilience and absolute power of women this year! Well, truthfully I wouldn’t expect anything less from such an amazing species but I am fully in awe of all new mothers this year! What you have faced is beyond any imagining and however you’ve dealt with it has been beyond belief. You should not have had to face this beautiful beginning in this way and you should not have had to manage alone.
As the African proverb states: It takes a village to raise a child. We are not meant to do this alone. You have shown remarkable strength and fierce mothering this year. You are goddesses and should be recognised as such.
If you’d like some affirming company why not join us online at IG / FB and via our website to meet with other new parents. Sign up at www.littlehartsmusic.com/sleep
If you would like to access support around anything that might have come up for you while reading this blog see links below:
Helpline / Legal Advice / Redundancy Rehab: https://pregnantthenscrewed.com/support-services/
To Access LHM Postnatal Music Therapy Group: info@littlehartsmusic.com
NHS SUpport: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/support-and-services/services-and-support-for-parents/
NCT: https://www.nct.org.uk/
0300 330 0700
askus@familylives.org.uk https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/parenting/where-can-young-parents-go-for-support/
0808 800 2222
Therapeutic relationship / Infant MH
https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/114-the-fundamentals-of-infant-early-childhood-mental-health
Resource list:https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/2195-think-babies-infant-and-early-childhood-mental-health-resource-list
Babies In Lockdown: Listening to parents to build back better (2020). Best Beginnings, Home-Start UK and the Parent Infant Foundation.
https://aimh.uk/why-infant-mental-health/caregiver-sensitivity/
https://parentinfantfoundation.org.uk/
https://www.home-start.org.uk/ where you can find your local home start team.
PArent engagement programme manager: Agnes Agyepong